Something that makes you stop in your tracks

I felt compelled to write this down while the feeling is still fresh and my thoughts sincere and in the moment.

Today I got news that someone close to me has a young relative with Type IIIB lung cancer. She's a non-smoker, a loving wife and mother of two small children. In short, the prognosis is poor and % survival rate after 5 years of the diagnosis is in the single digits. It's a terrible diagnosis for anyone, let alone someone in that situation.

I don't want to make this story seem like it's about me, because of course it's not; I only want to write how this tragic scenario this family is going through is making me feel. It's a strange zone in which I feel I'm residing. It's two degrees of separation, but barely so - enough that I'm feeling much more sombre and pensive than if it was something I had read or heard about, or seen at work. There's a face to the name, and faces to her family.

As a result, two big thought processes come to mind:

1. Priorities - there are long laundry lists of priorities we compile in our lifetime as we get older, more ingrained in the workforce, have access to more money and more material spoils. It's easy, nay, extremely difficult, nay, impossible to not get caught up with at least some of these aspects occasionally when it's around us all the time. We can lose track of the true value of life, and the fragility of it... and that at any moment, a more defined time limit can be added on to it, or it can be simply taken away all in an instant. When these sobering moments happen, it's incredibly interesting how some priorities drop off and seem distant, while others come rising to the surface, sometimes in a profound or violent manner.

Of course it's impossible to stay in this type of mindset forever. It's exhausting, time-consuming and frankly, depressing. Thinking about life and death all the time would make it difficult to be optimistic to any degree. It's important to keep as a perspective though... like that photo that catches your eye every now and then, and reminds you it's there. It's something that can catch you when you're getting a bit off-track; whether it's going on autopilot for days to weeks, or re-appreciating the things and people you love.

2. Medicine - it's sort of related to thought #1, but it's specific to the reminder of the privilege and the magnitude of the "job". In the grind of residency, the hours, the struggle to keep up with reading and knowledge, and climbing that ladder, the grand scope of what medicine can meet to patients and families can get lost. It makes me feel guilty when thoughts go through my head of wondering how much longer I'll be staying at work in a day, thinking of cutting corners, or when I get annoyed by a patient. No matter what position we eventually attain, our role in patient's lives is a privilege... and it should be treated that way as much as we can.

I think I'm losing steam here, so I'll end the post with things song - "The Wilhelm Scream" by James Blake. It's dark and brooding, but still great to hear. The way he sings "falling..." could be interpreted in a number of ways, but in the process of doing so he sings about how we question what we feel, what we love, and what we dream. Fewer things in life call us to question these emotions than news like this.


James Blake - The Wilhelm Scream